My favourite trigger for my depression if it can be called a favourite has to be loneliness.

I find that even on a warm sunny day like today it can creep up on you and remind you of what you have and what you don’t have. For instance I was having quite a pleasant morning I slept well ate well and had no pressing concerns full stop I decided to enjoy the best of the early summer sun because it is early summer and went out for a walk full stop Roxeth recreational grounds is but a short walk from my flat I bask in the summer sun and felt God’s grace warming my bones full stop unfortunately as I reflected on how good my day was I was tripped up by a random thoughts that’s spoilt my morning.

That sort of course was the only way this could be better was if I had someone to share it with full stop most of my friends are either a lot younger than I am or if they are my age they are married with children and have no concerns I’m spending the weekend with anyone but their families. As I strolled in the summer sun I reflected on the fact that I had seen none of my friends or family for a while. In fact it was but only Tuesday I had met and talked with some of my friends at our regular book club meeting, but knowing that all around the country friends and family would be sat down for barbecues and other family gatherings. It is by nature and by nurture that I am quite attuned to Solitude full. Because of the nature of London we all tend to live where we can and not where we want I am no longer a short walk away from family or Friends all contacts is a mission.

To be fair this is not unique to me by any means. In fact I think is apart of the modern condition. It occurs to me that’s every instance of getting off the grid in a community has been a quest for independence mixed with connectedness. Independence from what we know as the modern world and conversely I need to have a deeper connection with the people around us full stop London above and beyond most other cities in the UK due to its size tends to be isolating and unwelcoming.

Even if you’ve got your money right, and you have your goals set, and you have agency if you do not have connections – a social group and something akin to family it’s really hard to be happy in London even on a warm pleasant day like today.

At times like these all you can do is practice resilience, gratitude for what you have and do your best to be patient for what you don’t have and do your best to enjoy the weather while it lasts after all this is England and the weather is a joke.

https://theclarionmag.org/2018/02/21/i-remember-thee-wakanda/

in the MCU Universe.

For the majority of the time most of us have the agency, the opportunity to reach out to other people. We tend to be unrestrained. Physically and mentally. The rest of us sit in our own self inflated bubble. Every home is a cell. Every job is a chain gang. Every social event is a pretence.

“These aren’t my friends. I’m just borrowing them. I’m pretending to be a part of the group that doesn’t claim me as one if my own.”

You need to have something changed without and within.

You need to acknowledge your agency.

The worst part about being a writer is the gap between the last good thing you wrote and the next time you have the confidence to sit down and write again.