OnRepeat: someone’s thrown a spanner in your difference engine

I’m blessed. I know because my mates tells me so whenever I talk about what I’m feeling and what I’m dealing with at the moment.

They ask me what’s wrong. I tell them how I feel and they insist on trying to make me feel better by reminding me how many people are suffering or worse off. I don’t know about them but knowing other people are suffering doesn’t make me feel better.

I get it though they’re just going at it the wrong way. Count your blessings.

Thing is when you’re depressed your blessings aren’t there anymore. You have a flat? Could lose the flat, could end up homeless, could have vermin. You have a job? Could get passed over for a promotion, could have another re-organisation, might not even like this f@#*ing job anyway. Depression is a death spiral you can’t pull out of your own. That’s the difference. It’s like someome’s thrown a spanner in your difference engine.

As mentioned before I’m a wannabe sufi. A sufi en pretence. I’m fasting at the moment for the month of Ramadhan and will do so for the next twenty days or so. 19 hours a day without food or drink. The mood swings I’m going through are Shakespearean. I’m rather dramatic company at the moment and if you were an audience and my life was a film you’d be applauding my dramatic shifts back and forwards.

With a spanner in my engine and dearth of coffee and fuel in my system I’m in trouble.

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4 thoughts on “OnRepeat: someone’s thrown a spanner in your difference engine

  1. People really need to understand that just because others have it worse, it doesn’t negate the fact that you have it bad.

    It’s like the old saying, “I complained that I had no shoes until I met a man who had not feet.” Well, guess what? I still don’t have any damn shoes! 🙂

    Hopefully writing is serving as some sort of outlet for your issues. And Ramadan Kareem to you.

    Liked by 1 person

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