#Onrepeat: Reflecting myself


The gaps in the noise of the world are the windows of opportunity that allow me to hear my thoughts. Meditation helps some of the time. Often though there’s not the opportunity because of the pace of daily life.

Actually that’s a lie. It’s all about power. Having the power to slow down or speed up at your own volition is outside of my power while I’m working a 40 hour working week.

I envy the ability, the privilege to move at ones own pace.

More and more realise that the source of my depression is from the realisation of how unfulfilled my life has been. In fact that was the root behind the age reboot last year, 40 is the new 30 (The last 10 years have been awful I’m declaring a do-over)

Being Black British rather than African American I’ve been playing catch up with some of the vocabulary and cultural memes.

Nothing describes my current state of despair as well as the phrase “A dream deferred is a dream denied”

In other news the novel is taking shape, in a practical “I’m actually doing something sense” rather than the procrastinating “I’ve thought about it” sense. I can honestly say I only feel happiness these days when I am writing or reading. Everything else in my world is a numb blur rushing past my minds eye. Like a brain damaged patient doing physical therapy as I organise whats in front of me whats behind my eyes begins to organise itself into a steadily more coherent mass rather than the mess I usually wake up as.

Every now again when I’m unsteadily steering my way through my own personal storm I’ll think out loud.

More often than not I’ll say “I don’t even know who I am”
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#OnRepeat: By the way…


Meanwhile back at the Batcave…

Since I’ve last written I’ve been mostly trying to get my head straight.

It’s been a tough couple of weeks and I’ve now reached out for help on that score. Watch this space for more on that. Save to say I have now accepted the fact that I am big “D” Depressed not llittle “d” depressed and I can’t figure it out on my own.

On the writing front I’ve now decided to use Roz Morris’s novel writing process to help me get  me pass my writing block. I went through a dozen or so possibilities but Roz impressed me the most with her readability and structured approach.

Nail Your Novel – Why Writers Abandon Books and How You Can Draft, Fix and Finish With Confidence

Using her approach I am now scoping out my ideas and working on my synopsis in a orderly fashion rather than bouncing in and out – though rather than keep all my ideas in a hat I’m using Evernote – same principle

I’ve spent way too much time procrastinating on twitter and Facebook but I like to think its better than not writing at all.

 

 

 

Quiet, overworked and ill


For those of you wondering why its all quiet on the Smiley front that’s down to exhaustion and illness. I have a three or four Writing 101 assignments I want to complete but I won’t be able to get them finished before the commons close. If you want to hear about what happens next with me please subscribe and I promise to keep you up to date.

#OnRepeat – Until you travel to that place you can’t come back


“Until you travel to that place you can’t come back
Where the last pain is gone and all that’s left is black”

ELEGY: sorry, not sorry

I looked in the mirror this morning and said my name, sorry, not sorry, not yours
  I’m not the man you were, the skin I’m in, you wore

I can recall, but I can’t relive. Can visit in memory but cannot return. Imagine not embody.
You died so that I could live. This elegy is yours, sorry, not sorry.

I walked the path, reached my destination. Can direct, but couldn’t guide.
Wouldn’t show the path to anyone, or confess, or confide

It’s as if I’m watching a video, a testimony from a history I wasn’t present to witness.
I’m a doctor listening to a hypochondriac describing their latest sickness

“Until you travel to that place you can’t come back.
The last pain is gone and all that’s left is black”

Sorry not sorry you’re not who I am anymore. New day New man.

UPDATED: Supplements I know WORK for “the blues” (Amazon Links)


Decided to share some experience I’ve had with over the counter remedies for depression. All the supplemts listed below work from my personal experience. I’ve used them singly and in combination and I recommend them in combination for best effect.

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#OnRepeat – Born Again


So everything’s getting better, feeling better, looking better. The prayers are kicking in, the advice is kicking in, the supplements are kicking in. Damn it even the weather is kicking in.

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OK, I’m exaggerating. F*ck English weather!

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Self-Confidence will help you master the six basic fears with which every person is cursed


Hill Confdence

Versatile Blogger Award


Today I have been nominated by Mutafariq Khayalat for the Versatile Blogger Award.

Thank you so much for considering my work as versatile. I humbly accept this award and make commitment to myself that I will focus more on the versatility of my blogging activities to complement this award.

I have found your blog versatile in true terms as I found there amazing prose and poetry along with excellent photography and many more flavors as well. Mabruk! to you.

The rules are:

  • Show the award on your blog.
  • Thank the person who nominated you.
  • Share seven facts about yourself.
  • Nominate at least 3 blogs.
  • Link your nominees’ blogs, and let them know.

Seven facts about me:

  1. I have a novel I’m working on
  2. I was mildly depressed and I was going downhill, writing saved me.
  3. Writing is what I want to do for the rest of my life.
  4. I would love to write for Marvel, films and comics.
  5. I want to travel the world and live the 4 Hour Workweek lifestyle.
  6. Acceptance, Confidence and Gratitude are the keys to gaining
  7. When I lie about my age I’m telling the truth

My nominations are:

  1. http://johannamassey.com/
  2. https://a1000beautifulthings.wordpress.com/.
  3. https://singhpiyush6089.wordpress.com/
  4. https://inventingreallife.wordpress.com/
  5. https://singhpiyush6089.wordpress.com/

#OnRepeat (Everybody’s gotta learn sometime) – #confidence, #gratitude and #acceptance


So I had a breakthrough of sorts today. The sun came out and I could see the detail in the world and there were no more dark corners within. So yeah, happiness comes from confidence, gratitude and acceptance. (Duh!) I feel like the slow kid at the back of the class who took all lesson to understand what the teacher explained in the first five minutes.

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