I’m blessed. I know because my mates tells me so whenever I talk about what I’m feeling and what I’m dealing with at the moment.
They ask me what’s wrong. I tell them how I feel and they insist on trying to make me feel better by reminding me how many people are suffering or worse off. I don’t know about them but knowing other people are suffering doesn’t make me feel better.
I get it though they’re just going at it the wrong way. Count your blessings.
Thing is when you’re depressed your blessings aren’t there anymore. You have a flat? Could lose the flat, could end up homeless, could have vermin. You have a job? Could get passed over for a promotion, could have another re-organisation, might not even like this f@#*ing job anyway. Depression is a death spiral you can’t pull out of your own. That’s the difference. It’s like someome’s thrown a spanner in your difference engine.
As mentioned before I’m a wannabe sufi. A sufi en pretence. I’m fasting at the moment for the month of Ramadhan and will do so for the next twenty days or so. 19 hours a day without food or drink. The mood swings I’m going through are Shakespearean. I’m rather dramatic company at the moment and if you were an audience and my life was a film you’d be applauding my dramatic shifts back and forwards.
With a spanner in my engine and dearth of coffee and fuel in my system I’m in trouble.
The gaps in the noise of the world are the windows of opportunity that allow me to hear my thoughts. Meditation helps some of the time. Often though there’s not the opportunity because of the pace of daily life.
Actually that’s a lie. It’s all about power. Having the power to slow down or speed up at your own volition is outside of my power while I’m working a 40 hour working week.
I envy the ability, the privilege to move at ones own pace.
More and more realise that the source of my depression is from the realisation of how unfulfilled my life has been. In fact that was the root behind the age reboot last year, 40 is the new 30 (The last 10 years have been awful I’m declaring a do-over)
Being Black British rather than African American I’ve been playing catch up with some of the vocabulary and cultural memes.
Nothing describes my current state of despair as well as the phrase “A dream deferred is a dream denied”
In other news the novel is taking shape, in a practical “I’m actually doing something sense” rather than the procrastinating “I’ve thought about it” sense. I can honestly say I only feel happiness these days when I am writing or reading. Everything else in my world is a numb blur rushing past my minds eye. Like a brain damaged patient doing physical therapy as I organise whats in front of me whats behind my eyes begins to organise itself into a steadily more coherent mass rather than the mess I usually wake up as.
Every now again when I’m unsteadily steering my way through my own personal storm I’ll think out loud.
More often than not I’ll say “I don’t even know who I am”
Rest in Peace Sir Terry. You are, were and will continue to be an inspiration.
23 Of The Most Beautiful Terry Pratchett Quotes To Remember Him By.
Thank you Heid and Juliet, for nominating me for the challenge of sharing “Love” with an axiom of ten lines. The rules are to:
- only use four words in each sentence
- each sentence to include the word “love”
- to give my favourite quote on love
- and to nominate other bloggers to share the love
Week off of my day job and a week on my first novel.
Yes, that’s right I’ve taken a week off work to do some serious work on my novel. My target for this week is to get at least 50 pages down and then keep going. I’m treating this week like Rabbit in 8 mile getting ready to flip the script.
I’ll post updates and other writing as I go. To be honest I needed to this since January but I think after these last three blogging events I’m ready to write.