OnRepeat: someone’s thrown a spanner in your difference engine


I’m blessed. I know because my mates tells me so whenever I talk about what I’m feeling and what I’m dealing with at the moment.

They ask me what’s wrong. I tell them how I feel and they insist on trying to make me feel better by reminding me how many people are suffering or worse off. I don’t know about them but knowing other people are suffering doesn’t make me feel better.

I get it though they’re just going at it the wrong way. Count your blessings.

Thing is when you’re depressed your blessings aren’t there anymore. You have a flat? Could lose the flat, could end up homeless, could have vermin. You have a job? Could get passed over for a promotion, could have another re-organisation, might not even like this f@#*ing job anyway. Depression is a death spiral you can’t pull out of your own. That’s the difference. It’s like someome’s thrown a spanner in your difference engine.

As mentioned before I’m a wannabe sufi. A sufi en pretence. I’m fasting at the moment for the month of Ramadhan and will do so for the next twenty days or so. 19 hours a day without food or drink. The mood swings I’m going through are Shakespearean. I’m rather dramatic company at the moment and if you were an audience and my life was a film you’d be applauding my dramatic shifts back and forwards.

With a spanner in my engine and dearth of coffee and fuel in my system I’m in trouble.

#Onrepeat: Reflecting myself


The gaps in the noise of the world are the windows of opportunity that allow me to hear my thoughts. Meditation helps some of the time. Often though there’s not the opportunity because of the pace of daily life.

Actually that’s a lie. It’s all about power. Having the power to slow down or speed up at your own volition is outside of my power while I’m working a 40 hour working week.

I envy the ability, the privilege to move at ones own pace.

More and more realise that the source of my depression is from the realisation of how unfulfilled my life has been. In fact that was the root behind the age reboot last year, 40 is the new 30 (The last 10 years have been awful I’m declaring a do-over)

Being Black British rather than African American I’ve been playing catch up with some of the vocabulary and cultural memes.

Nothing describes my current state of despair as well as the phrase “A dream deferred is a dream denied”

In other news the novel is taking shape, in a practical “I’m actually doing something sense” rather than the procrastinating “I’ve thought about it” sense. I can honestly say I only feel happiness these days when I am writing or reading. Everything else in my world is a numb blur rushing past my minds eye. Like a brain damaged patient doing physical therapy as I organise whats in front of me whats behind my eyes begins to organise itself into a steadily more coherent mass rather than the mess I usually wake up as.

Every now again when I’m unsteadily steering my way through my own personal storm I’ll think out loud.

More often than not I’ll say “I don’t even know who I am”
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UPDATED: Supplements I know WORK for “the blues” (Amazon Links)


Decided to share some experience I’ve had with over the counter remedies for depression. All the supplemts listed below work from my personal experience. I’ve used them singly and in combination and I recommend them in combination for best effect.

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Self-Confidence will help you master the six basic fears with which every person is cursed


Hill Confdence

23 Of The Most Beautiful Terry Pratchett Quotes To Remember Him By


Rest in Peace Sir Terry. You are, were and will continue to be an inspiration.

23 Of The Most Beautiful Terry Pratchett Quotes To Remember Him By.

 

 

This Love. Take It!


Thank you Heid and Juliet, for nominating me for the challenge of sharing “Love” with an axiom of ten lines. The rules are to:

  • only use four words in each sentence
  • each sentence to include the word “love”
  • to give my favourite quote on love
  • and to nominate other bloggers to share the love

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Week off, Week on


Week off of my day job and a week on my first novel.

Yes, that’s right I’ve taken a week off work to do some serious work on my novel. My target for this week is to get at least 50 pages down and then keep going. I’m treating this week like Rabbit in 8 mile getting ready to flip the script.

I’ll post updates and other writing as I go. To be honest I needed to this since January but I think after these last three blogging events I’m ready to write.

 

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Writing 201: Future – What Took You So Long?


“Could it be our last prompt word of Writing 201: Poetry? Already?! Let’s keep our spirits up by focusing on whatever it is that’s coming next. Whether it’s about tomorrow, next October, or the year 2345, let today’s poem be inspired by your vision of the future. (Fears, hopes, and plans are equally acceptable, of course. So are robots and hoverboards.)

You didn’t think we’d end a poetry course without a single word on (arguably) the most iconic form of them all — the sonnet? From Petrarch to Shakespeare to Lorca to Heaney, it’s a form that’s has endured dozens of vogues, backlashes, and comebacks — it will bury us all. It will outlive the cockroaches.

In some ways, the sonnet is easy: you get 14 lines of verse, usually grouped into four stanzas of 4-4-3-3 lines each (alternatively: two groupings of eight and six lines, respectively). Sonnets used to be written in metered verse (like alexandrines in French and iambic pentameter in English, for example), but many modern poets forego the meter altogether, or at least don’t use it consistently. Sonnets also tended to be written using any number of established rhyming schemes (for example, Shakespeare’s abab cdcd efef gg), but that, too, is no longer a formal requirement. (If you’re a sonnet purist, or the ghost of Shakespeare, please forgive me!)

The last device we’ll explore together in this course is one of my favorites — the chiasmus (key-AHS-mus). At its simplest, a chiasmus is essentially a reversal, an inverted crossing (it got its name from the greek letter chi – X). How can we use it? Let Snoop Dogg show us the way: Laid back, with my mind on my money and my money on my mind”  https://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_assignment/writing-201-future/ ”

What Took You So Long?

I wish I was there to kiss and love you, my lover not yet kissed
and tell you you’re the coolness of my crying eyes
We could drive all night joy in our car, pretend we’re teenagers joyriding
and stop on Primrose Hill to watch Saturday fall and Sunday rise Continue reading

Writing 201: Landscape – “wetness”


“The space(s) we spend our days in have such profound effects on us. Today’s word prompt, landscape, invites you to explore your whereabouts and translate your thoughts into a poem. You could focus on the physical traits of a place you find particularly beautiful, or on the way you interact with your surroundings at home, on the way to work, or when you’re on holiday.

Remember that staple of kindergarden arts, the collage? Found poetry, today’s optional form, is the language-based variety. Like a blackmail letter in a sordid crime novel, a found poem is made up of words and letters others have created. It’s up to you, the poet, to find them (hence the name), extract them, and rejig them into something else: your poem. The classic way of going about the creation of a found poem is scissors and newspaper in hand: you cut out words and phrases and arrange them into your poem. You can then either snap a photo and upload it to your blog, or simply transcribe the resulting text into a new post.

There’s a lot you can do with enumeratio — today’s suggested literary device — in your poems (want to feel especially tweedy? Pronounce it ey-nu-may-RAH-tee-yo). As its name might suggest, it basically means constructing a list, a successive enumeration (duh!) of multiple elements in the same series.

“wetness”

Wetter?
You can’t look at the atmosphere
Every part of we is an ocean
Physical, moisture, intense
Increase the humidity
A lot of things are happening
Everywhere we are connected
So, this is complicated
Cause to warm
Travel to the southwest
Wetter areas become wetter

Coming decades

http://www.theguardian.com/environment/climate-consensus-97-per-cent/2015/feb/09/global-warming-is-causing-more-extreme-storms

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#OnRepeat – Making Days Longer AKA Bless the Telephone


This is my new occasional feature #OnRepeat.

I’ll often find myself listening to a a particular track over and over again “on repeat” because of the feelings in brings up in me, So I was thinking why not put some of these feelings into words So first off – this:

Our song came on. Well when I say our song I mean the song I had in my head whenever we spoke on the phone. We used to speak every night, This is the song that reminded me of you late last year and sent me in a tailspin because it reminded you stopped calling and I didn’t know why. I used to skip over it when I listened to that album. Today it came on and it was just a song. It has lyrics about how the voice of a loved one can change your day.

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